Photo: Christopher Willard/Disney

Sure, let’s watch this. You know what we need right now? Men telling us more things. Truly superb timing. At least Bob was there as a lesbian safe haven. We appreciate you, Bob, even if Joan described you as “accepting” and said that she would “always remember that conversation,” neither of which statements indicate actual support. I love living as a gay woman in late 2024! [Eats pumpkin chocolate chip cookies while staring into the void]

All things considered, this episode was pretty inoffensive, which is what I usually expect from “The Men Tell All.” Either that or you get weird and aggro posturing from the male contestants, so at least it wasn’t that. There was a very “celebration of friendship” tone that I appreciated.

So, do we all want the details of The Golden Bachelorette men’s chat time? Okay. Fortunately for everyone, we begin with Charles wandering around the empty set. He’s very impressed. We love you, Charles.

Jesse Palmer and his big rectangle head are growing on me, which is good because he’s our guide for this entire program. This is when you earn your keep, Jesse. Otherwise, he’s mostly there to say, “Gentlemen. The last rose of the night.” A thing he himself made fun of in a recent season! It’s the little things.

Present at the reunion (which is how I am now referring to it) are CK, Bob, Gregg, Christopher, Kim, Michael, Dan, Jack, Jordan, Gary, Keith, Jonathan, Pascal, Mark, and Charles. They insist on referring to Charles as “Charles L.” even though we all now know the other Charles as “CK.” They could even call him “Charles Not in Charge,” but Charles L.? A true choice. Charles missed the men every minute, and we learn that their kids are in the audience.

Cursory googling says the show was filmed from June to July, so some months have passed since the men were on camera. Mark’s beard is fuller. Pascal is clean-shaven. And Charles’s hair is darker! His hair has gone from total silver to inkjet printer black. Jesse addresses this, and Charles says it’s definitely due to the food he’s been eating. Amazing. Once again, we love you, Charles. All the other men look mostly the same, or it’s possible I did not observe them keenly enough during their time on the show.

The men talk about their close friendships and how they call each other brothers. We see Gary again saying he is such a better man than he was thanks to these people, and I wish we had more of Gary in this episode! I love Gary. “The Women Tell All” from The Golden Bachelor was maybe my all-time favorite episode of reality TV, and while I never expected the same from this week, I think Gary Time combined with Charles Time could have really helped. Gary and Charles are both so genuine and ready to actually be emotional.

While we don’t get more Gary and Charles Time, we do get more Charles and Jack Time, which I will absolutely also accept. Damn, I love Jack. They show extra footage from night one where Charles acts as a host for the other men despite never having been there before (adorable), and Jack talks about how “back in the day, I used to clean chandeliers,” and he’s really wowed by the lack of dust on the chandelier. You’re great, Jack. Never change.

Michael, who I never really paid attention to but who is very beloved by my friend, reveals he was diagnosed with cancer right before he joined the show, and it made what could have been an incredibly difficult year a really special one. Also he is recovering now, so go, Michael! You seem like a nice man, she said with very little information.

We revisit what Jesse calls “BurgerGate,” which is his nod to the fact there was very little drama between the men except for when Jack tried to tell Christopher how to grill a hamburger. Jack’s take on this is “I’d like to’ve not said nothing, but that’s not my kind of thing. I gotta say what I gotta say.” Indeed. Then we learn that Jack has grilled burgers for everyone in the audience. We have to watch everyone eating. It is a choice by the director.

Jonathan is our first interviewee who has to sit on the little loveseat. Despite Jesse Palmer’s suspicions, Jonathan insists he’s never done a striptease professionally. He tells us about Mark leaving him affirmation Post-Its, and everyone cries. Mark reiterates that Jonathan is a fantastic human being. Why can’t we all just be kind like this! Why aren’t we focusing more on this kind of behavior, and instead, we’re affirming someone who is unkind, cruel, and never had a moment of empathy for anyone not directly linked to themself? Who could I possibly be talking about? Who knows!!

Jesse interviews Mark, and based on Mark’s time in the mansion, we learn basically nothing, but he seems like a quiet and nice man. Not everyone needs to be on TV; if they are, they should have a captivating personality. Mark definitely didn’t need an interview, but he’s the almost-father-in-law to Bachelor Joey, so here we are.

Charles’s interview is obviously the best one. CHARLES MANIA is sweeping the nation, Jesse says. Indeed! We see a highlights reel that includes Joan telling Charles that he changed her life, a favorite moment because it is someone on the ground emphasizing The Importance of Charles. We learn that Charles was nervous about how his family would react to him being on the show, but he received support and love from them and his daughters, and he feels lighter than he used to. Someone in the audience stands up and proposes that Charles be the next Golden Bachelor. While I support this, he might be too nice to do it. You have to make some hard decisions on the show! Also, I’m still not positive he’s ready, said the woman watching brief glimpses of this man on her TV.

The Gay Men’s Chorus of Los Angeles sings “Mansion Men,” and Kim is delighted. We see a clip of Pascal leading the men in meditation and then telling the camera, “I have absolutely no clue about meditation.” When Jesse interviews Pascal about his good-bye, they talk about vulnerability and the importance of showing your feelings, but NOT FOR LONG ENOUGH. This whole episode should have been about the stigma of men being emotional and how we can all work to counteract that. I would be behind that.

We end with Joan on the couch, talking to the men. We see a “Lesbians for Bob” sign in the audience, and Joan tells Charles they will exchange numbers. Jonathan has met someone, so good for him (he looks so snazzy, too!), and Joan still seems a little miffed at Pascal, but in like a passive-aggressive way as opposed to an overtly hostile way.

Next week! We are in Bora Bora, forced to look at a shirtless Chock, and Joan describes it as emotional with a lot of tears, but some are happy tears. So we will see what is up in one week!

 Charles mania is sweeping the nation.