In many ways, it seems like the Temptation Island reboot — which just debuted on Netflix after more than two decades on Fox and USA — is primed to be a hit. It takes Netflix’s reality mainstay The Ultimatum and strips it back to basics, reminding fans that we’re all horrible people because we’re rooting for couples to cheat on each other. The Spanish iteration even just had a major viral moment with Montoya, a man whose flair for the dramatic is so intense that it transcended language itself. But unfortunately, that clip may have given newer viewers (like myself) expectations that simply couldn’t be matched.
A brief history lesson: America’s Puritan roots have caused television to be far more censored than many other countries’ programming, even in the age of streaming. From 1952 to 1983, the Television Code prohibited profanity, a negative portrayal of family life, sex, and even the negative portrayal of cops from airing on TV; even now, television nudity remains rare, aside from the classic example of HBO. Meanwhile, in Europe, we’re ogling full cock and balls on Naked Attraction.
The Temptation Island reboot is no different: In the first few episodes, the couples are reluctant to break the promises they made to their significant others, so the biggest blow-up stems from Kay giving Tyler a fully-sober, lights-on lap dance. If you go into this season of Temptation Island expecting to see Montoya’s ex humping her way to a break-up, don’t get your hopes too high.
Still, the series hits all the high points that veteran fans have come to know and love. In some aspects, it’s been stream-ified — the slow-motion shots of the singles are over-the-top and glamorous, while the cast appears to be varying levels of influencers-in-training. The signature chime that viewers hear during the Temptation Island title card even signifies that this is part of the NRTVU (Netflix Reality Television Universe).
But in many ways, it’s the same old TI, from the beachfront villa to the consistent format to longtime host Mark L. Walberg, who appears to have been given grey hair from two decades of therapizing adulterers. Let’s get into it.
In the first few episodes, fans are introduced to four couples — Brion and Shante, Ashley and Grant, Tayler and Tyler, and Alexa and Lino — all of whom are at a breaking point in their relationship. Pretty much all of the women are ready to be settled down, steady, and committed, while the guys are just … not. Grant cheated on Ashley one month into their relationship and she’s never quite gotten over it. Brion did the same thing, plus he won’t shut up about wanting to have threesomes. Tyler is jobless and immediately jumped into this relationship after his divorce. Lino still feels like a second choice because Alexa was dating two guys at the beginning of their relationship. (Are we not calling that cheating…?)
The answer to all of this? A herd of sexy singles, of course!
The singles are Glamazons, marching into Mark L. Walberg’s field with all the confidence of someone who’s never wondered if their hairline is thinning. Some producer ordered a 48-pack of corded black bracelets on Amazon, so each single gives a bracelet and innuendo to their contestant of choice. Some highlights include, “I used to be a cheerleader, so I’m not afraid to be tossed around,” “I hope your Thanksgiving is your favorite holiday because I’ll be serving all the yams,” and the poetic, “My guilty pleasure is sucking dick.” The girlfriends aren’t happy about this, but unfortunately, they can’t do much more than insult the single girls’ dye jobs. (Hey, that’s my thing!)
It’s time for the couples to say goodbye, which cues up the waterworks. Now’s a good time to go over boundaries: All of them bar physical intimacy besides Alexa and Lino, who don’t have any rules. (Can you see where this is going…?) Also, did I mention that Grant has a daughter watching at home that he wants to make proud? This is a recipe for disaster.
After a night of journaling, crying, and Grant wailing on the guitar he inexplicably brought, the ex-couples choose their first dates, which are as follows:
There’s not much room for temptation on these first dates, considering they’re put on in massive groups. The boys go on a boat while the girls dance in a hula show. Back at the guys’ villa, the single girls are popping champagne in lingerie, as I am wont to do on a Tuesday night. Side note: For fans of the chronically underappreciated reality series FBoy Island (hosted by the fabulous Nikki Glaser), Mia was one of the leads! Oh, how the mighty have fallen. She starts directing a sexy game involving strawberries and body shots — because she knows exactly how this song and dance goes — and ends up licking chocolate off Brion’s neck. Somewhere, Mark L. Walberg just woke up in a cold sweat.
The next morning, the ex-couples are — as Kylie Jenner once said — Realizing Stuff. After Grant cheated on her, Ashley doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to trust him. Alexa wants to feel independent and confident after jumping from relationship to relationship. Brion wants a threesome. If you ever need to write a paper on the psychology of men, Temptation Island is assigned reading.
The producers decide that not enough scandalous things have happened, so the single guys and girls are tasked with doing some sexy dances. Amiah and Melissa do a choreographed routine that reads like you and your elementary school bestie begging your parents for a sleepover with a talent show. Here’s where we start to get some single standouts: Natalie teases Grant about his dancing and twerks for him, while Kay gives Tyler that aforementioned sober grind sesh. (Just as Tayler predicted, she’s blonde.) Tyler is tempted enough by this that he takes Kay on a “room tour.” Tyler, Kay isn’t interested in your bare-ass AirBnb walls — she’s interested in your bare ass.
The next day is the first bonfire, where Mark L. Walberg gets to flex everything he learned in his Foundations of Marital Therapy class last year. The boys see their girlfriends venting about everything wrong in their relationships, save for Shante, whose dancing clip gives the vibe of someone who’s thinking about making an excuse to leave the club early. Tyler seems to be the most hurt by his video, which shows Tayler saying that she buys the groceries while he leaves the toilet seat up. These seem like pretty easy fixes to me, but in Temptation Island, they’re all the permission that Tyler needs to start flirting with a certain tall blonde.
Meanwhile, the girls get hit with some atomic bombs. Shante is once again subjected to Brion’s threesome obsession, while Tayler watches Tyler get a dance from Kay and tell her that she’s trouble. On the surface, this doesn’t seem too bad — until Tayler says that these were the exact words Tyler said to her before they shared their first kiss. The lack of creativity in this line only adds insult to injury.
After the bonfire, the couples overanalyze their clips with the singles, who seem to only exist to help these people unpack their relationships. A couples’ counselor might be more convenient, but this works too! Tayler says Tyler has “bitch tendencies” (I laughed, sorry), while Ashley wonders why she’s even here if Grant’s questioning their relationship. In the other house, Grant’s doing a bit more than questioning: He and Natalie have an extremely sexy staring contest in the dark. The loser has to have a threesome with Brion!
The next day, the couples are tasked with asking different singles on dates. Here’s the B-team:
For these dates, the groups are cut in half — Tyler and Brion are bowling, Shante and Ashley are driving ATVs, Grant and Lino are doing partners’ yoga, while Alexa and Tayler are stuck wading into some knee-high water. As punishment to their men for this half-hearted date, Alexa and Tayler spend their entire date talking about their boyfriends. Gotcha!
Meanwhile at partners’ yoga, Grant and Natalie have snuck away to a rock for some alone time. Grant has basically decided that a clip of Ashley crying about their relationship is all the permission he needs to start macking on Natalie. They furiously make out. This is the first time a member of one of the couples has explicitly broken their rules, and the dramatic needle drop signifies that it won’t be the last. In all our Puritan glory, Mark L. Walberg’s cameras are there to capture it all. I saw Goody Grant sucking face at the kissing rock!
A reality TV classic gets rebooted for Netflix with plenty of slow-motion shots and a cast of influencers in training.
